Do you constantly set yourself unrealistic goals in the future, that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that you fail them? Then you beat yourself up about not meeting that goal. Do you evaluate your achievements in what other people think of them?
From reading the title you guessed that I am talking about the toxic trait known as perfectionism. Do not get me wrong, goal setting and having a schedule is good adulting skills. And of course, having high standards is what keeps some people motivate to do their best. But, it becomes a problem when these small habits are used as a weapon for negative self- talk and criticism, and this brings you down.
Perfectionism is diluted into our culture to think it is the normal way of thinking; being the most ‘put together’ and having the best grades, earning the most money, etc, etc (you get the picture). Social media has a
little role to play as well as you are constantly bombarded with the latest social media influencer posting about their seemingly ‘perfect lives’. Us ordinary folks are not helping either, as we only post about the positive experiences in our lives, and this distorts the picture to think everyone else is having a seemingly only joyous time.
I think there is this perception out there that being a perfectionist equals being the most productive, time-efficient person. However, I truly believe the opposite, and research agrees with me. Research has found that students who scored high in perfectionism and scored also higher in procrastination ( delaying exam preparation, essays, etc). These students set such high goals that they became unachievable. They were scared to fail these goals, that they just delayed the work. Additionally, research shows that perfectionism is the gateway to mental disorders such as depression, OCD and eating disorders.
So, if you identified with this toxic trait, you are probably thinking then how do I manage this. Well, this is where I step in. Now, I am not going to give you generic advice and say ‘love your imperfections’. But, I am going to give you three key bits of advice.
1) Life is messy.
2) Making mistakes is good.
3) Self- compassion
Okay, it does sound a bit generic. But, stay with me. Life is messy, it is going to come at you with the whole heap of problems, issues and difficult scenarios. We do not have control over everything, but we do have the control of changing our views on things. Therefore, I think it is important to prioritize your stress. But, I will give you an example. When you are having a hectic week with two essays due, and you have to go to your friend's birthday night out, then your washing needs to be done, while your room is a mess and you’ve run out of tea (good god). So what are the main stressors here that you need to prioritize- probably the two essays and squeeze in the friend's birthday am I right? The other things are small immediate stressors that do not need to deal with straight away (maybe the tea though).
The second bit of advice is that people, in general, are so scared of making mistakes, perfectionists especially because making a mistake will reflect badly on their abilities. But, making mistakes is not the bad part of the process, it is what you do next that counts. For example, you got a bad mark on your essay, even though you spent two to three days researching, writing up and then it took you FOREVER to get all the references right (let's be honest everyone leaves referencing last) but you get back your essay, and you get a poo mark. You declare your lecturer is stupid and wrong. Your ego has been bruised. The mistake is not the bad essay mark, but how you have reacted to your bad essay mark. To not get another poo mark again, you need to put your ego to one side, go into your stupid lecturer's office and ask how you can improve for next time, you listen and take in all the advice and feedback. You do a lot of reflection and hopefully, the second time around you will get less of poo mark.
Having a self- critical voice is good, it what gets us out of bed to the gym at 6 am, it
us work harder and achieve goals. But, I think being self-compassionate to oneself is so important and that helps you achieve goals long term. I will give you another example, you set yourself up for going to the gym three times a week to do 2-hour sessions, you’ve missed one week. The self-critical voice will come in and call you a bunch of names, and will bring you down, this, in turn, will make you want to quit, and you might not go the next following week, by the end of it you don’t go to the gym anymore. However, the self-compassionate voice will be more understanding and know you had a lot of stuff on that week- maybe think that the goal of going three times a week is too much for now, and adjust it down to twice a week.
I hope whatever bought you to this article, perfectionism or not, that it helped you to be a little bit self-compassionate to yourself.
Written by Bandana Karki